I'm not a girl who wants to live the "ideal" life. I'm not a girl who will change my life for a man. I'm a girl who wants to live a life of adventure, and if some guy loves me, he won't mind tagging along.
You are so damaged that even if you feel like it is from God, you get scared and run. Your fear is bigger than your faith. It's a shame because you are amazing and deserve a God centered relationship, not a Satan founded one.