I was told that you were Dirty, Unsightly And needed to be removed at all costs. Stubbornly, I chose to ignore these opinions And thankfully, there were lovers who never had an issue with you Who actually enjoyed your presence.

When Dorothea Mackellar described Australia as “A Sunburnt Country”, she wasn’t exaggerating. The Australian sun is hot. Really hot. I’m not even sure we have an ozone layer anymore. Match this with skin that gets irritated by even a stiff breeze and you have a problem. I’m not sure where I get my pastiness from, but I’m pretty sure if you looked it up you would find Dracula in my family tree.

“But how did your kitty have her babies without a doctor there?” My then-seven-year-old son looked up at me after hearing my mom and me I talk about Miss Kitty. Miss Kitty was a stray we’d adopted when I was about his age. On the day my mom was talking about, Miss Kitty had been very pregnant in the morning, when we left for work and school. When we got home, later that day, she was skinny and there were four kittens under my bed.

When you subject yourself to massive amounts of consistent pressure, your emotional holdings are going to be precarious at best. And an equal and opposing truth: when you’ve spent most of your life trying to prove you’re the exception to every rule, having an outburst in any traditional situation is just not going to cut it.

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The Holidays Are Hell

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Open Letter? Nope. These directed letters are anything but. Lou Holtz pretty much called this one when he said, “Never tell your problems to anyone…20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them.” Nailed it, Lou.

Ten Reminders I’m NOT in My Twenties

Just once when I fall, I want to fall gracefully like Jennifer Lawrence did when she went onstage to accept her Oscar, her dress splayed dramatically around her, making her look like an angel come down to earth. Not to fall like I do, grunting on all fours as I struggle to get up, huffing, puffing and sweating like a dog in heat.

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Every now and then you will have that unfortunate encounter on public transport: the public display of affection couple. Hands everywhere, mouths gaping like a pair of codfish. Do they not realize that there is no one, literally no one, who wants to see that shit? If I wanted to watch an animalistic mating ritual, I would put on some David Attenborough.